It’s Not Just You—Modern (Mom) Life is Exhausting

In this post: I talk about how tired I’ve been and how modern mom life is exhausting for anyone, despite all the resources we have at our fingertips.

I’ve been tired lately. SO TIRED.

Like, Google symptoms until you’re convinced it’s something scary tired.

When I come back to my senses, I still wonder … Is it just insomnia? Or the impact of one of my chronic conditions? Depression? Or my ADHD? Or … wait … oh my word, could this be perimenopause? Am I that age now?

Maybe that’s it. Maybe this is just being over 40. Maybe I’ve rolled right down the hill.

I’m So Tired of Being Tired

And as the fatigue and exhaustion grows, my motivation wanes, until it is withered and shriveled, wrapped in a fog of ambivalence. Sometimes, it feels like the only thing keeping my home from descending into utter chaos is following the bare minimum of my Rule of 3 chores.

We have clean laundry. We have clean dishes. We have wiped down sinks and toilets and I make a good faith effort at clearing off kitchen counters and sweeping floors.

I may not do a full reset of the house on those days, but the trash is thrown out and we have places to sit. I’m also blessed with a husband who loves to cook and who keeps up with his own daily chores. My son, when prompted firmly enough, tidies up his gaming desk after he’s collected enough cups and plates that I can’t wait for him to notice first.

And so, we make it through.

But, oh, I’m so TIRED of being tired.

I know what to do, who to talk to about it, and what steps I can take next. I’m working on it. It’s been a years-long process, involving multiple doctors and bloodwork and more than one diagnoses I didn’t really want, and taking needed medications and allergy shots, and exercising more, and even having septoplasty surgery—all with the goal of protecting my sleep like a ferocious lioness guarding her pride against invaders.

Some days it’s better. Some days it’s worse.

Today is the latter.

I’m learning to give myself the same grace I give my clients, my students, my readers. But it’s very humbling. Especially since I blog about this stuff—but, in case there was any doubt, I am a normal person who struggles with keeping it up with it all. I learn things the hard way, then pass on that knowledge in the hopes I can help at least one other person avoid those challenges.

Modern Mom Life is Just … Exhausting

I’m learning to loosen my standards, extend my deadlines, and cling to just the essentials.

I keep reminding myself that picture-perfect homes exist only in magazine spreads and carefully curated Instagram feeds and in the moments right before the guests come over. (If your home is the exception to this rule, please let me continue in my ignorance.)

I’m not new to being tired. No mother is.

As tired as I am now, I’m not the delusional one-more-colicky-night-away-from-a-breakdown tired I was in the first five months of my son’s life.

I’m not the clingy toddler tired.

I’m not even the worried about parents and then grieving their loss tired that happened before and after having our son, first with my mom and then with both of my in-laws.

This tired is different. I have hope it can improve, but I also worry it won’t. That fatigue is just an unwelcome companion. That this is the new normal. What will I do then?

Even though I know better, I worry this tiredness says something bad about me as a person and wife and mother. (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.) I should be able to beat this with enough self-control and determination, right?!

I know I’m not alone.

It Really Is Hard to Do All By Yourself

Regardless of their kind of tired, I read social media post after post and comment after comment and hear conversation after conversation of other women fighting their own tired and often feeling like failures for not being able to keep up like they think they should.

Sometimes, I remind myself (and them) that modern life does this to us. That the picture of a constantly well-kept, pristinely decorated home that has almost always been a hallmark of a “good housekeeper” of the past couple of hundred years has always been a bit of a lie and an unobtainable ideal.

Yes, innately tidy people exist. Yes, some women DO keep up with their households with seemingly little effort. Yes, some people can’t go to sleep at night with a dirty dish in the sink (I even have friends like that. I envy their commitment to the cause.)

But, over history, you know how most of that got done?

Other people did the work.

There was a cook, a housekeeper, or, heck, a full staff running the place. (This upper middle-class and wealthy solution to the ever-present housework problem presented its own deepset problems as domestic labor was usually woefully underpaid and often rooted in sexist and classist, not to mention racist, practices as well. But I digress.)

And if you couldn’t afford to hire anyone, well, you had a large family to put to the task. Or you lived in tribe or village where common tasks were shared in a communal way.

Most of us these days have little to no help.

We’re not failures, friend. We’re human beings with limited resources and energy. We have to pick and choose what we spend our time on during our lives. Time—that most precious of resources. The one that cannot be renewed or stockpiled, no matter how much we wish it could.

We can’t stop time.

So we must manage it, instead.

Protect Your Limited Time and Resources as Best You Can

We must cut out the unnecessary to make room for the non-negotiables in our lives. How? Well, here are some suggestions:

Then, with the time, energy, or money you’ve saved, you can focus them on solutions that work better for your family.

Focus On Solutions (However Unorthodox) That Work for YOUR Family

For me, right now, this looks like ... doing another decluttering round and being even more ruthless, because, even with as many rounds as I’ve already done in the past, we’ve gotten new gizmos and gadgets and changed priorities and our kitchen needs to keep up with the times.

(When I have the energy, of course.)

It looks like … being okay using paper plates on low energy weeks.

It looks like … repurposing my solid wood college microwave cart for the hundredth time to fix a storage problem that was driving me nuts. (Thank you, Mom and Dad, for the gift that kept on giving. It’s been a microwave cart, a bookshelf, a desk, and now a temporary spot to store bath towels.)

It looks like … catching myself feeling guilty when my husband does a load of dishes because he lives here too, and reminding myself that we’re not bound to archaic gender roles and I’m not failing him by focusing my energy elsewhere.

It looks like … slowly teaching my son to notice what needs to get done, too. (I’ve got my eye on this course that promises to help do just that. I haven’t taken it yet, but it’s on the to-do list!)

It looks like … taking naps during the day when I need them.

It looks like … turning down opportunities and invitations I don’t have the energy levels for, and being okay with it.

It looks like … coming up with creative ways to stay involved in the lives of dear friends, even when we’re all too busy to get together often.

And it looks like … writing a vulnerable blog post after reading about the frustrations of other moms just trying to get through the day and wondering what they are doing wrong.

What will it look like for YOU?

Additional Resources

Books and courses I recommend on this topic. These are affiliate links.

Like what you’ve read? Share it!